The old expression “get a room” suggests that the best place for copulating couples is behind a closed door. However, rooms can be scarce when the need for love is urgent – so there might be times when we seek out less conventional grope spaces. Like bar bathrooms.
Some are cleaner than others, and of course you have to decide whether to slip into the guy’s or the girl’s room, but these are not really the problems at hand. The real issue is whether someone will steal your bar stools while you’re getting lucky in the loo. It’s also probably illegal.
We’re not suggesting you run out and skeez up every stall in the city, but if you and your horny bar-hopping honey find yourselves in desperate need of privacy between sips, here’s an alphabetical, unsanctioned list of local bars with serviceable bathrooms for “the sex.” Yes, we’re obviously kidding about this entire article. Be safe, people – BYOC.
1. Black Sheep
If you desire some serious space to wrangle your lover into submission, check out the johns at Black Sheep. They’re huge, private and unisex, so you can have your pick, and neither of you will get side eye when exiting. Still feeling sheepish and need a little visual titillation? Check out the art hanging from the walls. One bathroom features barely-clad women with sheep heads, while the other is filled with muscular men donning sheepish grins.
Just because you got fancy for The Pfister (Blu is on the top floor of the swanky, historic hotel) doesn’t mean you can’t get down and dirty in the cocktail lounge’s bathroom. Because of the opulence and cleanliness that runs throughout The Pfister, a rendezvous anywhere in the place will class-up even the sleaziest encounter. Do it in the ladies’ room and you’ll have a Downtown panorama as a backdrop. After the act, treat yourself to a really dirty martini at the bar. You earned it.
You’ll have to be an contortionist to get it on in Burnhearts’ tiny bathrooms, but that’s not why it’s on the list: it’s the vintage pin-up nudies that grace the walls outside them. Need another reason to get your heart racing? A psychic once told the owners that the spot used to serve as a brothel, so you’ll see plenty of racy imagery integrated into the design of the place – there’s a literal “boob tube,” after all. Finally, if staring at a dozen of Bettie Page’s contemporaries doesn’t stir something up after going deep into Burnhearts’ craft beer menu, well, then, you probably had too many.
Distil’s bathrooms are indeed “do me” bathrooms – from the rosy lighting, full-length stall doors, down to the Method Sea Mineral soap (good for clean-up and cover-up!). They could also rank as some of the cleanest on the list and are down the back hallway away from the dining room and bar area. The downside is you could have some guests in the other stalls and Distil is a classy joint, so they may not be as into your getting busy as you are. Unless you are into that kind of thing … in that case you could and should move this up in your list.
Could there be a better place than a tiki bar to get lei’d? Unlike its tropical inspirations, this beloved Riverwest joint is dark and dimly lit, which makes it perfect for a little discreet dip into the bathroom. The only problem? Foundation’s not exactly spacious, and the bathrooms aren’t exactly hidden, so your tryst might be more public than you’d hoped. Also: If you choose the women’s room, you’ll have a painting of a blue-faced, screaming, snaggletoothed tiki man watching you. But maybe your partner will be into that?
If you find yourself having sex in the relatively disgusting bathrooms at Sabbatic, you probably need to re-evaluate your night’s decisions. However, just adjacent to the bathrooms, this pretty-naughty dive bar features a stairway, affectionately labeled “The Brothel.” It’s dark and creepy, and we’ve heard many stories about people using it for unlawful carnal knowledge. Afterward, Ace Frehley will give you the thumbs up!
7. Safe House
The Safe House may also provide a safe bathroom – for you to get it on, we mean. The ladies room is one of the most interactive in town, complete with photo of Burt Reynolds with a movable metal heart hinged over his “Jack Horner.” But be careful because if you start moving that heart the entire bar will know you tried to sneak a peek, so it is best to stay focused on your partner in crime for the night and not the art on the walls.
8. The Tin Widow
Tin Widow is a perfectly respectable, cozy tavern. Not the kind of place we would suggest you get your freak on. However, to get to the unisex bathroom, you have to exit a side door, walk down some stairs, then into a single, locked bathroom that’s far, far away from the action. You probably don’t even have to be quiet or discreet to pull off a quickie that will go completely unnoticed.
9. Trinity Three Irish Pubs
At first horny glance, Trinity Three Irish Pubs would seem to be a terrible choice. After all, cut to any weekend night, and the trio of Water Street bars is most likely packed with bros upon bros, and much like those bros, the bathrooms can get a bit sloppy at Trinity. However, you would hope multiple bars would mean multiple bathrooms, and Trinity does, in fact, have a pair, hopefully spreading out any crowd possibly infringing on your special Irish connection. Choose whatever bar seems the slowest and – ding ding! – we have a winner. And if there’s a staff bathroom as well, perhaps do it in all three to complete the unholy trinity. Also: It has stalls, and stalls are crucial. Extra points for asking her if she has any Irish in her, and if she’d like some.
10. Von Trier
The rest rooms are tiny at this Milwaukee landmark, and the men’s room opens right into the bar area, so you’ll have to squeeze up super tight in the stall and duck your head to get it done. Warning: If you make it loud, you might draw some applause as you exit.
11. Walters’ on North
You’ve got to exit the bar area and pass through the back room to reach the bathrooms at Walters’. That means you can be as loud as you wanna be and few are likely to hear you. Get busy on a Thursday night and you can replenish your energy with cheap tacos afterward.
This neighborhood tavern is best known for its “I closed Wolski’s” bumper stickers (they sell panties, too), but it’s also a great place to close the deal on an orgasm. The wooden swinging doors leading to the ladies’ room are reminiscent of a wild west saloon and on the other side is “the foyer of foreplay” – plenty of room here to wrestle your cowboy or cowgirl before heading into the bathroom. Luckily, there’s plenty of free popcorn at Wolski’s just in case you need a snack to keep your energy up.
You might get busted going into either the men’s or women’s room at Zad’s because the doors are visible from any place in the bar – especially to anyone playing pool. However, hopefully the crowd will be tipsy enough not to notice nor give a crap (yes, that was bathroom humor) since they’ve been drinking all night at this third-shift bar and it’s 8 a.m. Don’t expect much in either of these water closets; however, the women’s room has a long counter that might be useful for bending over and resting your elbows upon or using as a hard, water-splattered, make-shift bed.